Gen Z: Just Limed it back from brunch. Saved £20 on an Uber!

Boomer: You what it where?

Took a Lime bike. You know… those neon-green electric ones?

Oh, I know them all right. There’s about 30 strewn across the Tesco car park like dead green horses at the slaughterhouse door.

Please can you not? I’m vegan.

I’m paraphrasing Giles Coren in The Times. He calls e-bikes ‘the very end of civil society’.

Bit extra.

Every time I walk down the road I’m greeted by a pile of the snot-coloured devil spawn.

Cos Gen Z loves them! They only came over from San Francisco in 2017 and now 81 per cent of us use Lime bikes in London.

They don’t even burn calories! When I used to ride my pushbike to my first office job, I’d have burned 500 calories by 9am.

Diet obsessive!

And they looked beautiful! I had a pink Raleigh Willow. I’d tie a scarf round my hair and imagine I was Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday.

I can’t imagine your sweat levels. And where did you keep it?

In the garage.

Not as simple in my box-size studio flat in Dalston. Limes are way easier – just scan the QR on your phone app, and off you ride! It’s giving speedy queen.

I don’t know what half of those words mean. And do you have the faintest grasp of the Highway Code?

WTH* is that? Sounds like a discount promo for Uber.

Give me strength. It’s the rules about staying safe on the road – especially important if you’re riding a bike, let alone a jet-propelled 35kg one!

If I’m FR*, I just peddle and hope for the best. And if any cars get too close, I ring the little bell.

It’s hard not to get too close when gangs of youngsters ride seven abreast like the Von bloody Trapps. Haven’t you done your cycling proficiency?

It’s not that deep. In the words of one viral TikTok: ‘Cruising on a Lime bike at 25mph is healing for the soul.’

What about the 30 per cent of Gen Zs who admit to ignoring traffic signals? Is it ‘healing for the soul’ when they’re almost mowed down by the number 73 bus?

It’s called living in the moment, Boomer. Vibe check yourself.

You know what was truly ‘soul healing’? Sorting out a dodgy bike chain with your bare hands and finally hearing it click back into place. Not that incessant bloody beeping noise a hotwired e-bike makes.

Calm it. Even The Guardian has referred to that low-level bleeping as the ‘new birdsong of Hackney’.

I’m more aligned with the commenter who called the ‘piercing and persistent sound’ more akin to a ‘half-bothered fire alarm’.

TBF* they are pretty pricey. It’s £1 to unlock and from around 17p per minute to ride. Costs me £10 to get to Pret down the road.

I paid £34 for my bike and it lasted me three years, come rain or shine. And I didn’t have to risk ‘Lime bike leg’.

Is that when your wide-leg jeans get caught on the pedal and get all filthy?

It’s when, according to the Daily Mailthe 35kg bike falls on top of you and shatters your femur.

Such BS*.

In my day, falling off your bike meant a cut knee and Sudocrem, not reconstructive surgery.

Well, the worst I’ve had is a bruise on my shin from dragging the bike onto the curb.

Don’t get me started on you lot discarding them all over the pavement. It’s a disgrace. Like walking into a teenage boy’s bedroom.

IK* your hip’s giving you ‘jip’, but surely you can manage to step around a bike.

I’m on board with the 81-year-old actor Robert Powell, who told The Times he’s sent ‘a couple of hundred’ emails to Camden Council about the fleet of Lime bikes on his doorstep.

Who even is Robert Powell? Sounds hella grumpy.

Jesus of Nazareth.

Stop being aggy*!

No, he was literally Jes… oh forget it. Your generation can’t commit the five minutes it used to take to find a lamppost and lock up your bike without needing to check Instagram in the meantime.

You’re always banging on about productivity. Sorry we’ve mastered it!

Well, I’m going to start leaving little notes in those Lime bike baskets for you lawless riders.

*Rolls eyes* Can’t wait to hear this…

Get off your bike.

WTH = What the hell.

FR = For real.

TBF = To be fair.

BS = Bulls**t. IK = I know.

Aggy = Aggressive