Dear Jana,

I walked in on my husband masturbating in the shower recently, which prompted a rather awkward conversation about how often he does it.

He told me, ‘Most days… pretty much every day.’

That’s fine, it’s his body – but the issue is we only have sex once a month.

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When I asked him why he masturbates so often but doesn’t really initiate sex, he said it was ‘different’ because masturbation doesn’t require effort or emotional energy. He also said it was ‘less pressure’.

That answer stung than I expected. I now feel like intimacy with me is a chore, while solo time is his reward. I don’t want to police his body, but I also don’t want to feel like the least appealing option.

How do you compete with something who doesn’t need you at all?

Once-a-Month Wife.

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Dear Once-a-Month Wife,

Okay, slightly brutal question… but I think it needs asking: when he says sex with you feels like ‘effort’ or ’emotional energy’, what exactly do you think he means?

Because this usually isn’t about the sex itself. It’s about the atmosphere before and after it.

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Is sex preceded by unresolved tension? Is it followed by heavy conversations, venting or a list of frustrations? Is one of you still in household-manager mode while the other is trying to switch into desire mode?

None of this makes anyone wrong, but it does make arousal difficult.

And before you panic, no, I’m not blaming you. This dynamic is almost always co-created. Still, it’s worth gently considering the atmosphere around intimacy in your home, because his words suggest sex no longer feels light or playful for him – whereas masturbation does. That’s why it’s winning.

Damn you, left hand.

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Let’s look at the facts. Solo sex is quick. It’s pressure-free. It doesn’t come with expectations, conversations or emotions. That doesn’t make you undesirable. It just means partnered sex has become emotionally heavy.

The fix here isn’t ‘be sexier’ or ‘stop talking’ – well, maybe a little bit – but it’s mostly about separating intimacy from logistics and conflict. Sex needs a bit of cheekiness, a bit of fun, and sometimes… a bit of silence. It’s perfectly fine to cuddle, roll over and go to sleep without turning it into a debrief.

I would also move the ’emotional energy’ conversation out of the bedroom. Ask him, calmly, at another time, if there’s anything around sex that feels heavy or overwhelming for him.

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And then you get to be honest, too. If you’re frustrated because you feel neglected or unsupported at home, say that. Just don’t attach it to sex in the moment.

As for the masturbation itself, I wouldn’t villainise it. It’s a common stress reliever. I’ve personally used it to shut my brain off at night. Highly recommended!

But it shouldn’t replace intimacy entirely, and it certainly shouldn’t leave you feeling like the least appealing option.

This isn’t about competing with his hand. It’s about making sex feel safe, easy and enjoyable again – for both of you.

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Tweak the context, lower the pressure and remind him that you can separate home life from bedroom life. Chances are, once the emotional load lightens, desire will follow.

You’ll be waking up the neighbours with your moans in no time.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend is wonderful, attentive, affectionate and deeply in love with me.

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The problem is… he cries a lot. Not just when something serious happens. He cries during arguments, sad movies, work stress, even mild criticism.

I know this makes me sound awful, but I’m exhausted.

I end up managing his emotions instead of expressing my own. I feel guilty admitting it, but I miss feeling like I’m with someone emotionally strong.

Is this emotional openness from him or something I need to be worried about?

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Emotionally Exhausted Girlfriend.

Dear Emotionally Exhausted Girlfriend,

Oh girl, we love a man who cries, but even I got a case of the icks reading this.

There’s a big difference between openness and offloading, and right now your boyfriend sounds like he’s using you as his full-time emotional support animal.

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Yes, men crying is healthy. But when everything ends in tears, the dynamic quietly flips. You stop being his partner and start being his carer. And nothing kills desire faster than feeling like the adult in the room all the time.

Now I’m sure a lot of people would say he’s showing vulnerability, and that’s a good thing. But what it sounds like to me is emotional dysregulation.

Vulnerability is ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to talk.’ Dysregulation is ‘every feeling explodes and now you have to manage it’.

It’s also not what emotional strength looks like. Strength isn’t never crying. Strength is being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings without handing them straight to your partner to fix.

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So what do you do?

First, stop framing this as ‘he’s too sensitive’ and start framing it as ‘this dynamic isn’t sustainable’. That keeps it kind, but clear.

Second, have the conversation outside of a charged moment. Say something like: ‘I love that you’re emotionally open, but I’m starting to feel like I’m carrying both of our feelings, and I need balance.’

Then – and this part matters – watch what he does with that information.

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If he listens, reflects and takes steps to regulate himself better (therapy, journaling learning how to self-soothe), great. That’s growth. If he cries, apologises… and then changes nothing, that’s the pattern talking.

And sadly, some people enjoy wallowing in the ‘victim’ mentality. That’s something he will need to fix himself. That’s not up to you.

You’re not asking him to toughen up. You’re asking him to show up as a partner.

And it’s completely fair to want someone who can sometimes hold you when things wobble – without falling apart in your arms.

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Loving someone shouldn’t be emotional overtime. Express your concerns about his crying, and watch how he responds.

After the tears dry up, obviously.

Dear Jana,

My partner belongs to a spiritual group that believes in something called ‘shared essence tokens.’ They’re small, personal objects members give to people they feel a ‘soul connection’ with.

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According to her, they’re symbolic, not romantic, and meant to represent ‘energy exchange’.

I support her woo-woo stuff but since we’ve been together, she’s given three different tokens to three different men in the group.

One was a small vial of her own custom essential oil blend that she wears on her skin. Another was a piece of jewellery she’d worn daily for a month so it could ‘absorb her energy’ before she gave it away.

The third was a handwritten note she described as an ‘essence letter’ about who she is ‘at her core’.

What makes this harder for me is that she displays photos and objects from these exchanges in our home, like they’re spiritual trophies. When I asked what a shared essence token between us would look like, she brushed it off and said they don’t need to have meaning in a relationship, they’re just ‘energy’.

I don’t want to sound jealous or closed-minded, but I also don’t love that she’s giving gifts to other men. It feels intimate.

Are my concerns rational or should I let her do her thing?

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Lost in Woo-Woo Land.

Dear Lost in Woo-Woo Land,

I’m going to be honest with you: if my partner handed their personal items to various women and then tried to explain it as ‘just energy,’ I wouldn’t be calmly googling chakras. I’d be wondering if he’d joined a cult.

Let’s clear something up straight away. This isn’t about you being jealous or ‘not evolved enough’ spiritually – it’s about intimacy. And intimacy doesn’t stop being intimate just because someone puts a woo-woo ribbon on it.

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Scent is intimate. Jewellery worn on the body is intimate. Handwritten letters about one’s inner world are intimate.

Call it energy exchange, call it interpretive soul-gifting, call it whatever you like – it doesn’t change the fact that these are gestures most people reserve for romantic partners, or at the very least, for one person at a time.

What’s really bothering you isn’t the group. It’s that she’s giving pieces of herself away – deliberately and repeatedly – and then telling you they ‘don’t need meaning’ when you ask what that means for your relationship.

It’s giving ‘gaslighting’, because obviously they have a lot of meaning.

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Also, displaying them in your home like spiritual trophies is bold. Too bold. That’s less ‘inner work’ and ‘gallery of men I’ve energetically bonded with’.

Now, I don’t think this means she’s cheating. But I do think she’s playing fast and loose with boundaries and hiding behind spirituality to avoid having to negotiate them.

Spirituality doesn’t get a free pass on respect. You’re allowed to say, ‘I’m fine with your beliefs, but I’m not fine with you giving other men deeply personal parts of yourself and calling it nothing.’

That’s not you being closed-minded – it’s simply having a spine and self-respect.

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So here’s what I think you should do. Don’t mock it. Don’t dismiss it. But do name how it makes you feel and ask a simple question: what role do I play in your inner world?

Because if everyone gets a piece of her essence and you get brushed aside, that doesn’t sound very ‘spiritual’ of her.

And if she can’t hear that without accusing you of being ‘unenlightened,’ then the problem isn’t the tokens. It’s that there’s no room in her belief system for your boundaries.

Namaste… but also, no thanks.

of و that و if – تفاصيل مهمة